Monkey barring: What is this new Gen Z dating trend, and why do people do it?
Have you met someone who tends to jump from one relationship to another so quickly?
Apparently, there's a term for it: monkey barring. It's a new dating trend wherein one person secures a new romantic prospect or relationship before officially ending their current one.
If you've ever played on monkey bars at a playground, you know it involves grabbing one bar and then swinging to the next without fully letting go of the previous one, a perfect mirror of this Gen Z dating trend, as explained by psychologist and dating coach Mezhal Ulao.
Why do they do it?
Ulao explained to PhilSTAR L!fe that while it doesn't always mean cheating, he noted that the two overlap.
"If someone is monkey-barring while still officially in a relationship, it can look a lot like cheating (emotional or physical). But if they’ve already ended things and immediately jump into another relationship, it’s not technically cheating—just avoidance of being single," he explained.
Relationship and life coach Alicia Serrano added that what constitutes cheating varies.
"For some people, having the intention of finding a different partner without breaking things off with your current partner already counts as cheating. For others, they draw the line at going on dates with others. And the most egregious and common line is when someone engages in physical affection with another person," she said.
"Following that logic, monkey-barring can be counted as cheating for those whose threshold includes emotional connection and intention. Of course, boundaries and opinions vary from one person to another, so it's relative to the people involved," she added.
Ulao explained that one possible reason a person acts this way is to avoid the process of healing. "Instead of reflecting or processing after a breakup, they distract themselves by diving into the next romance," he said.
Serrano echoed this, noting that insecurity and low expectations can lead to the behavior.
"Some people see being in a relationship as a security blanket or a source of identity. They might see being partnered as a requirement to be checked off to be an acceptable person in society," she said.
Other reasons could be a lack of regard or empathy, making monkey-baring a way of "using others for their own benefit."
Red flags to look out for
Ulao says that a key telltale sign is a dating history with barely any gaps, which suggests a new romance is already in the works.
Meanwhile, Serrano said that other red flags are being detached and emotionally unavailable to the current partner, as well as a lack of transparency and dishonesty.
"This is because a person who intends to monkey-bar might already be more invested in looking for a different partner instead of genuinely making it work with their current partner," she said.
While noticing signs is helpful, Serrano stressed that it's better to communicate with your partner if something seems off.
How does it impact both parties?
While this trend seems harmless, it can leave consequences on both sides. For those who do it, Ulao noted that they may lose the chance of healing, which may build up heartbreaks and/or trauma from their breakups.
Serrano echoed this, saying they "might not get the chance to build a better relationship with themselves because they are so preoccupied with others."
She also stressed that being single is an important time "to rediscover oneself," which is being prevented by monkey barring.
"Being single after a relationship is often a much-needed time to rediscover oneself and process and grow from the previous relationship. People who monkey-bar rob themselves of that precious experience," she said.
Meanwhile, those on the receiving end may develop trust issues with their future partners, as well as develop low self-esteem issues.
"Some realize they were just the 'next bar' rather than a genuine choice," Ulao said, adding, "it can plant doubts about self-worth."
"So while it may look like they’re always moving forward, monkey barring often leaves behind a trail of hurt and unresolved emotions," he added.
If one's guilty of doing this, Serrano stressed the importance of being "more comfortable in their own company" to avoid falling into this toxic pattern.
"When you have a better relationship with yourself, and you don't see being single as something to avoid at all costs, there really is no need to cling to a less-than-ideal relationship," she explained.
"When people lean into the fact that a relationship is not just about what you want and what you need, and that it involves another human being whose thoughts and feelings are as valid as our own, monkey-barring becomes less ideal of an option, or not an option at all, because of the hurt and guilt it can cause," Serrano said.
