Can men and women ever be just friends?

If we turn to the shows we binge and the songs we play on repeat, the segregationist policies and traditionally gendered leisure activities that surround us, it seems Harry Burns (When Harry Met Sally) was way ahead of his time. “The sex part always gets in the way.” Previous studies have found that male-female friendship is ultimately rooted in ulterior motives. The former wants a warm body; the latter, protection.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, today’s gender divide has thrown irreconcilable ideological differences into sharp relief. Content creator and producer Vera (not her real name) found herself “decluttering” her friendships with men over the past few years, due to their failure to show up in her life like her queer and female friends. “When I used to date around, they would constantly take the side of men when giving me advice,” she tells PhilSTAR L!fe, as if they were blaming her for her predicament.

Writer Joriza, on the other hand, ditched a guy best friend that she had “loved like a brother” after finding out he had committed literal crimes against women. “All of this happened while he was cosplaying as a supportive feminist ally,” she shares with L!fe. “Obviously, men that only respect women they’re attracted to or women who are important to them in their own lives do not actually respect women.”

For those who’ve found a good egg, however, there are documented benefits to maintaining strong opposite-sex friendships. Women “tend to lean into self-disclosure” during hangouts and will benefit from the more laidback, activity-focused nature of a guy friend.

Taylor (not her real name), a marketing professional, enjoys her brotherly bonds with friends she’s known since she was a child. “I feel less judgment around them, and I can be more chill,” she tells L!fe. As someone who has routinely experienced welcoming and trusting the wrong men, “it’s nice to have people who are just there for you, that you can rely on when you need a guy’s perspective on things.”

Conversely, some emotionally constipated men would enjoy vulnerability in the presence of an open and supportive girl friend. Sid, a public administration senior, tells L!fe that he never related much to men his age: “Most of those I know show toxic masculinity in one way or another. It gives me the ick and makes me wonder why I’m friends with them.” As someone who values deep connection, the presence of his girl friends has been very rewarding in that sense.

However, things can get complicated quickly with the presence of partners. It’s a popular misconception that the only purpose this kind of friendship could serve is a backup in case current flings fail. (We all know of the infamous pact to marry a certain someone if they’re still single at 40.) Interestingly, Sid admits that “the qualities I look for in a friend and in a significant other are the same, so the potential can honestly always be there.” True enough, he is now dating his former girl best friend.

But it’s not like we are slaves to our urges. We are humans with free will, capable of keeping a friendship the way it is if we want to. “Guys get a bad rep but at the end of the day, we’re not animals,” sports science undergrad MM tells L!fe. “I have friends that I can acknowledge are objectively and conventionally attractive but that doesn’t mean I will ever see them as someone more than a friend. It all comes down to self-control, understanding boundaries, and just being a decent person.”

Masters student Anna (not her real name) advises starting a connection for the right reasons. Since she met her guy best friend of 15 years, she’s always thought of him as a brother. “But when you first see someone and think they’re good-looking, then only think to start a friendship with them because of that, the starting point becomes attraction. If you get to know them and find that your personalities match, feelings can inevitably get complicated,” she muses.

Explicitly enforcing and honoring boundaries is also a given, especially since these vary from person to person. Taylor, for example, would find it weird if her boyfriend considered someone he met after her his "girl best friend, because what could they possibly share that we can’t? What would be the incentive for him to put someone else above me?” Meanwhile, law student Clari’s personal no-no is “never telling them problems with my relationship as it happens, even if I think men lend a very different and valuable perspective on matters of the heart.” Perfectly reasonable, since minor squabbles can be blown out of proportion when told to outsiders.

Psychologist and dating expert Mezhal Ulao says it is, after all, possible for men and women to be "just friends," but only if there’s emotional awareness and clear boundaries. "Friendship stays healthy when both people feel secure, honest, and fulfilled without relying on each other to meet romantic needs," he tells L!fe.

But as Ulao notes, psychology shows that deep emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and consistent vulnerability can naturally create attachment, sometimes even without conscious intent. "When two people become each other’s primary source of comfort, validation, and understanding, feelings can quietly shift. In those cases, the challenge isn’t the friendship itself, but whether both people are being honest with themselves about what that closeness has become," he explains.

If you ask me, it might be best to avoid seeing a romantic relationship as the ideal, inevitable outcome between a man and woman. If the connection blossoms into something similar to what Poppy and Alex share, that’s good. What might be even better, though, is the idea of a friend who remains in our lives without expecting anything in return.

Generations by Angel Martinez appears weekly at PhilSTAR L!fe.