Why Gen Z loves going no contact
Every week, PhilSTAR L!fe explores issues and topics from the perspectives of different age groups, encouraging healthy but meaningful conversations on why they matter. This is Generations by our Gen Z columnist Angel Martinez.
Gen Z’s attitude towards life takes on many names and forms. Casual, detached, nonchalant. It manifests in the way we approach our work, consume information, and interact with others. (Something as simple as a blank stare through an older adult’s soul communicates this much.) We’re one degree removed from any situation, one foot out the door, even within our most intimate relationships, and we can go no contact to prove it.
This isn’t exactly the same as ghosting, although one is usually conflated with the other. Both involve disconnecting with only a few scrolls and clicks: mute, unfollow, block, report, repeat. But going no contact sometimes requires difficult conversations beforehand, as opposed to the latter, which just involves cutting them off with no prior explanation. Going no contact is a deliberate move to extricate ourselves from spaces and situations that no longer serve us. We leave and we stay gone.
Though the sentiment might also strike a chord for previous generations, they once again did not have the luxury of leaving with ease. “Older generations often stayed connected [to one another] out of courtesy, tradition, or social pressure, even when it wasn’t ideal to do so,” relationship coach and psychologist Mehzal Ulao told PhilSTAR L!fe. Concepts like utang na loob and filial piety were deeply ingrained in their collective psyche, involving entire communities in individual situations for better or for worse.
On the other hand, Gen Z’s developmental years coincided with a pandemic, a “mostly online experience of school and friendships,” as relationship and life coach Alicia Serrano explained to L!fe. “This may have made them familiar and comfortable with being on their own and engaging with others on their own terms, since most communication needs to be initiated by someone messaging first.” At the height of social distancing, I went days without speaking to anyone outside of class requirements. It became an open secret to "forget to attend" Zoom classes or group meetings when we were too lazy or lethargic to function.
There’s also something to be said about the better grasp we have on boundaries: “There’s more content, education, and encouragement around boundary setting and relationship standards now, compared to before,” Serrano shared. It’s why we closely scrutinize who should and shouldn’t be in our lives, even if it’s friendships that took root in childhood. It’s how we know that love is never enough to keep any romantic entanglement alive.
Surprisingly, it’s how we can finally put our foot down in cases of abuse and trauma, as with familial estrangement. In a collectivist society like the Philippines, where we are defined by and indebted to those who have raised us, this is seen as a controversial move. But gone are the days when we force ourselves to visit home for the holidays, when all we receive are snide remarks on our weight or our work. Our families can be those we choose for ourselves, as members of the r/EstrangedAdultChild subreddit can attest to.
And in defense of Gen Z, this isn’t just some passing trend. Based on her experiences dealing with younger clients, Serrano affirms that this is still something they deliberate over a period of time and the process is never that linear. This is particularly true for those who try to go no contact with a romantic partner, regardless of the length of their relationship. When our lives are so intertwined, whether because of shared responsibilities or proximity to each other, “it’s harder to remove that person completely.”
Our attachment style—or how our childhood conditioning shapes our interactions with others—could also be a key factor: Those with anxious tendencies may have a more difficult time standing their ground due to their tendency to “ruminate, fear the unknown, and be less tolerant of uncertainty,” as Serrano explains. Meanwhile, those who identify as avoidant or even secure are less likely to struggle.
Kimberly*, a friend of mine, went through this push and pull after her ex-boyfriend of less than a year cheated on her. “I just sent one message that I knew what he did and I blocked him everywhere,” she shared with L!fe. However, her resolve was recently tested as he made attempts to get back into her life. “I feel like it would have been harder for me [to go no contact] if we had already built a life together, and if I didn’t have a strong support system.” True enough, well-meaning friends and family can convince us to “stand on business” instead of “running it back” or asking for second chances.
I’ve never seriously dated anyone, but each time I’ve cut off friends over the years, each instance came bundled with grief. Flashbacks of all our fun times together forced me to tolerate disrespect for way longer than I should have, and had me considering making amends though no apologies were made. Now, I am reminded that I miss a version of them that no longer exists, a version of them that chose to treat me the way they did. Then, my decisions are justified.
As with any online phenomenon, however, we are still warned to exercise discernment rather than always resorting to extremes. Modern self-help movements peddle individualistic rhetoric that reframes being an asshole as protecting our peace. “This means that the bar for getting cut off gets lower and lower. Sometimes, this helps and is necessary, especially for people pleasers, but this can also be toxic if the no contact response is disproportionate to the facts of the situation,” Serrano said.
In this case, saying “I don’t owe anyone anything” isn’t automatically empowering; sometimes, it’s a sign of avoidance. “It might be freeing at first, but without emotional maturity, it risks making relationships feel shallow or disposable,” Ulao warned. What he advises, instead, is balance: “knowing when it’s right to walk away and when staying, or having the tough conversation, might actually build character, empathy, and deeper bonds.”
Personally, whenever I’ve wanted to let go of certain people, I would desperately scour the internet for clues that it was the right time. But as cliché as it sounds, you can have all the answers, but you will only leave if you’re truly ready. You will know the disrespect is deep enough: The excuses you’ve made for them are too flimsy to assuage the hurt that you feel, and no amount of happy memories can convince you to stay. And when that happens, there is no better way to move forward than to disappear completely.
Generations by Angel Martinez appears weekly at PhilSTAR L!fe.
